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What is Domestic Violence?

Abusive Behaviors:
- Signs for Victims
- Signs for Aggressors

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

Why Victims Stay

Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Victim Guide

Domestic Violence Restraining Orders

North County Family Violence Prevention Center (NCFVPC)

Personalized Safety Plan

DV Links

Services - Domestic Violence Unit

Why Victims Stay

The reasons why people stay in violent relationships are highly complex and occur on many levels. The summary that follows attempts to break down and categorize some of the motives operating to cause a person to stay. All of these factors are not found in each case, but a combination of some of them is usually enough to keep the person together with their spouse or partner.

FREQUENCY AND SEVERITY

1. The battering may occur over a relatively short period of time.
2. The batterer may say or try to convince you that this battering was the last.
3. Generally, the less severe and less frequent the incidents, the more likely the victim will stay.
   

VICTIM’S CHILDHOOD

1. The victim may have lived in a home where battering occurred, and they accept is as natural.
2. The more the victim was hit by their parents, the more likely they’ll stay; in other words, they learned at an yearly age that it’s OK to hit someone you love if they’ve done something wrong.
3. The victim, or one of their siblings may have been a victim of child abuse or incest.
   

ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE

1. The victim may be economically dependent on the batterer and see no real alternative. In the victim’s eyes, it may be worth putting up with abuse in order to gain economic security.
2. Economic conditions today afford a victim with children few viable options. She/he may often have no marketable skills. Government assistance is very limited and many people dread welfare.
3. The victim’s spouse or partner may control all their money and she/he may have no access to cash, checks, or important documents.
   

FEAR

1. The victim believes their spouse or partner to be almost omnipotent. She/he sees no real way to protect themselves. Many of their fears are justifiable.
2. If the victim or even a neighbor reports the batterer to the police, the batterer will often take revenge on him/her.
3. Often, the victim is so terrified, that she/he will deny abuse when questioned.
4. Some victims are afraid that if they report the crime or tell of the abuse, their spouse or partner might lose his/her job, the only source of income for the family.
5. Some victims are afraid of incurring the wrath of the extended family if they break up or report their spouse or partner.
   

ISOLATION

1. Often, the victim is her/his only support system psychologically, the batterer having systematically destroyed the victim’s other friendships. Other people feel uncomfortable around violence and withdraw from it.
2. The victim may have no idea that services are available (if indeed they are) and may feel trapped. Religious counselors, general helping agencies and law enforcement and judicial officials are not social workers or trained in the complexities of battering. Medical personnel often do not identify battered victims.
   
3. The batterer often threatens to kill the victim, children, and anyone else involved if the incident is reported, thus cutting off communication with potential helpers.
4. Often, relatives get tired of helping the victim out, time after time, giving her/him a place to stay, etc. They no longer are willing to be resources upon which the victim can rely.
5. Having no none to talk to, the victim often doesn’t see themself as a battered person. They may realize that they have the problems, but they don’t identify the battering as being the main problem. Some simply don’t know that they have the right to not be beaten.
6. Some victims believe that outsiders should not be involved in the affairs of the family.
   

LOW SELF ESTEEM

1. Learned helplessness, often explains a battered victim’s inability to act on their own behalf. The victim learns that their behavior has no effect on the outcome of the situation, since she/he is repeatedly abused with no logical consequences from preceding incidents. They begin to believe that what the batterer says about them being incompetent and unable to function on their own.
2. Severely depressed people cannot take action.
3. Often, the batterer is violent only with the victim and the victim therefore concludes that something must be wrong with her/him. They often accepts the batterer’s reasoning that she/he may be "deserved" the punishments or that the batterer was just too drunk to know know what they were doing.
4. Some victims believe that if they would improve or stop making mistakes that the battering would stop. They stay because of guilt.
5. Social stigma because others can’t understand why any self-respecting person would stay in that situation, she/he may be embarrassed to admit it.
6. The victim believes that they have no power to change their situation.
   

BELIEFS ABOUT MARRIAGE

1. Religious and cultural beliefs, or the eyes of society demand that she/he maintain the facade of a good marriage.
2. Often, the victim stays for the sake of "children needing a father/mother."
3. The victim may believe that battering is a part of every marriage.
4. Many people are raised to believe in the all-importance of a good relationship with their spouse/partner, and that good relationships are their responsibility, not their spouse/partner.

VICTIM’S BELIEFS ABOUT THEIR SPOUSE/PARTNER

1. The victim still loves the spouse/partner and is emotionally dependent.
2. The victim believes the batterer to be all powerful and able to find her/him anywhere. Many of their fears and beliefs about the batterer are based on reality as some of the violence exhibited is lethal.
3. Often, motivated by pity and compassion, the victim feels that she/he is the only one who can help the batterer overcome their problem.