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Abusive
Behaviors: Effects of Domestic Violence on Children Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Victim Guide Domestic Violence Restraining Orders North County Family Violence Prevention Center (NCFVPC)
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Services - Domestic Violence Unit Abusive Behaviors: Signs for Victims Many people are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Battering can occur between a man and a woman, same sex couples, and teens. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who are abusive towards their partners; the last four signs listed **** are also considered battering, but many people don't realize that this is the beginning of physical abuse. If the person has several of the other behaviors, (three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence - the more signs a person has, the more likely this will lead to abuse. In some cases, a abuser may have only a couple of behaviors the victim can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern, and a victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the victim). 1. JEALOUSY 1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy consists of behaviors and irrational thoughts of possessiveness and lack of trust. He/she might question the victim about whom they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of the time that the victim spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may refuse to let their partner work for fear that they might meet someone else, or even demonstrate strange behaviors such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to watch the victim. 2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the abuser may say that this behavior is because they're concerned for the person's safety, their need to use their time well, or their need to make good decisions. He/she will be angry if the person is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, he/she will question about where they went, or whom they talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let the person make personal decisions about their home, the clothes they wear, or going to church. They may keep control of the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room. 3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many victims dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You're the only person that I could ever talk to". Or, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." They may pressure the person to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the victim may feel very guilty, or that they are "letting them down" if the victim wants to slow down the involvement or break-off the relationship. 4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people may expect their partner to meet all their needs; he/she expects the victim to be the perfect spouse/partner, parent, lover, or friend. He/she may say things like "If you love me", "I'm all you need - you're all I need." The victim is expected to take care of everything for the abusive partner. 5. ISOLATION: The abusive person may try to cut the victim off from all resources. The abuser accuses people who are the victim's support system of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, he/she may not let the victim out of the house, use a car (or have one that is reliable), or he/she may try to keep the victim from working or going to school. 6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him/her wrong, out to get him/her. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting him/her and keeping him/her from concentrating on their work. The abuser may tell the victim that they are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. 7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser may tell the victim "you make me mad," "You're hurting me by not doing what I want you to do," or "I can't help being angry." The abuser really makes the decisions about what he/she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the victim. More difficult to detect are claims that "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel". 8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, they claim that their feelings are "hurt" when really he/she is very mad or he/she takes the slightest set backs as personal attacks. The abuser might "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened - things that are really just part of living- like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that some behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores. 9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who may hurt animals or is insensitive to their pain or suffering, expects children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (whips a two year-old for wearing a diaper) or teases children or younger brothers and sister until they cry. The abuser may not want children to eat at the table or expect the children to stay in their room all evening while he/she is home. 10. "PLAYFUL" USE OR FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the victim down, hold them down during sex, and may want to act out fantasies during sex where the partner is helpless. He/she may be letting the victim know that the idea of rape is exciting, may show little concern about whether their partner wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate the partner into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the victim while the victim sleeps, or demands sex when the victim is ill or tired. 11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the victim, cursing them, or putting down any of the victim's accomplishments. The abuser may tell the victim that they are stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking the victim up, verbally abusing them or not letting them go to sleep. 12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect a victim to serve them; he/she may say that the victim must stay at home, that they must obey every demand that they make - even things that are criminal in nature. Male abusers will see a victim as the inferior sex, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship. 13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE MOOD SWINGS: Many victims are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood - they may think the abuser has special mental problems because one minute they are nice, and the next they are exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics, like hypersensitivity. 14. ****PAST BATTERING: This person may say he/she has hit their spouse/partner in the past, but they made them do it. The victim may hear from relatives, ex-spouses, or ex-partners of the abuser that the person is abusive. An abuser may eventually start to physically abuse their new partner or any person that they are with, including children, if the person is with them long enough. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. 15. ****THREATS OF PHYSCIAL VIOLENCE OR DEATH: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the victim or any of the following examples: "I'll slap your mouth off." "I'll kill you" or "I'll kill you, the kids, and myself if you leave me." In healthy relationships, people do not threaten their partners, but a abuser may try to excuse threats by saying "everybody talks like that." If they start to talk about killing you, the children, family members, or themselves, this is a very dangerous sign and these types of threats must be taken seriously. Seek immediate help for your partner, yourself, and children, before things can escalate out of control. Be aware if there are guns in the home or alcohol and drug use, this increases yours and your family's risk of injury or death. 16. ****BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but this is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his/her fist, or throw objects around or near the victim. Again, this is very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but also signifies that there is great danger when someone thinks that they have the "right" to punish or frighten their spouse or partner. 17. ****ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve an abuser holding their victim down, physically restraining her/him from leaving the room, or pushing or shoving them. The abuser may hold the victim against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me!" If they attempt to strangle/choke the victim into submission, this is a very dangerous sign. ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS: Solutions For Those Being Abusive: Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional), including threats and intimidation. Accept responsibility for your behavior. Remember that the use of violence in any form is always a choice that you make. Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive behavior. Recognize that assaultive behavior is unacceptable and is a criminal act. Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive. Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems are not excuses for abusive behavior. Seek appropriate help for these problems. How Can Friends/Relatives Help? If someone discloses or you suspect that he/she is being abused, don't be afraid to privately express your concern and offer to help. Possible ways to help include locating resources, encouraging safety planning, respecting confidentiality, and being there to listen. Believe their experience - don't minimize it. Don't give up or criticize them. If a friend doesn't leave an abusive partner, understand it is not easy. Let your friend know that you will be there regardless. If someone you know is being abusive, tell them that violence and abuse are unacceptable. Encourage and support them in getting help to stop the violent behavior. Hold them accountable for their actions and the need to change. Same Sex Relationship Violence and Domestic Violence Although little research has focused upon same-sex couples, the data available indicate similar rates of violence between lesbian and gay couples. The San Diego Gay and Lesbian Center's own community survey of more than 700 San Diego LGBT community members yielded one in five respondents indicating an experience of violence in their romantic relationship(s). Data from their out-patient mental health program also indicate a pattern similar to that reported among non-gay samples: 50% of all couples presenting for couples' counseling report an incident of relationship violence within the last 24 months, and 60% of all individuals requesting individual counseling report a lifetime history of at least one incident of relationship violence. Teen Dating Violence THE PROBLEM - Teen dating violence can be as lethal as domestic abuse. According to the Family Violence Prevention Fund, "One in five adolescent girls become victims of violence in dating relationships, and that violence is frequently associated with substance abuse, teen pregnancy and suicide." DEFINITION - Teen dating violence includes hitting, yelling, threatening, name calling, and other forms of verbal, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. CHARACTERISTICS OF TEEN DATING VIOLENCE · Your partner gets jealous when you go out or talk with others.· Your partner constantly checks up on you. · Your partner frightens or intimidates you. · Your partner imposes restrictions on the way you dress or your appearance. · Your partner puts you down, but then tells you he or she loves you. · Your partner makes you choose between him or her and your family. · You are afraid to break up with your partner because you fear for your personal safety. Links: Click here for the Teen Dating Violence Brochure- CA State Attorney General's Office http://www.safeyouth.org/scripts/teens/dating.asp - The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center is a "one-stop shop" for information on youth violence prevention, sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and other Federal agencies. |
